Like an idiot...

Earlier today, our professor scolded our class and gave us two zeroes for our academic requirements. This is the third zero that I got for something that is not even my fault. Afterwards, our next professor scolded us for being too submissive or rather, passive in recitation. This gave her the feeling that we copied each others' homework-which is not entirely true. We did the homework in groups. Well, okay. We should do it independently next time. In other words, I had a very tough school morning. It does not even include my conflict with my dad. I cannot understand why we can't get along well. It' not like I'm not trying. It was a difficult morning for me particularly because I had a bad night last night and everything just piled up. Why can't I just be happy? Why does something always have to go wrong?

If it is for any consolation, I had a rather smooth afternoon. I think I performed at 85% of what I could offer. I could have performed better but I was and still am disturbed by everything that's happening... Man! I hope things could just go perfectly... even once! Please!

My moment of relief and fulfillment however would be cut short come dismissal. I went to 7/11 for a quick bite. I needed to have something cause it is going to be a long ride home. When I got out of the store. Rain started to pour. Out of fear of being stuck in school, I ran to the MRT station. What took me 20 minutes, took me 8! Improvement of 60%! The cost however, is a haggard looking Bien whose shirt is soaked in rain..... and sweat.... To make things worse, the MRT is full so I had to wait for trains to pass until I got one that is at the very least fitting for humans. (This would never happen in the morning. I force the issue because I do not want to be late... I can't afford to be late!!!)

When I reached my stop, I took a jeepney home. The jeepney happens to be owned by our neighbour and the driver used to be our driver. He refused to accept my payment but I insisted because times are hard and service is service. He must get his due. I was sitting there, thinking of the homework that I have to submit tomorrow; thinking of a way to study the Agricultural Revolution; thinking and thinking and thinking of how I could survive MathStat when two people rode the jeepney. I am one of those people who minds his own business. I do not like looking at people or checking what they are doing because I find it disrespectful but when I looked to my right when I was thinking of something, I thought I saw someone I knew... Someone close to me but I went back to what I was thinking......

......

......

......

I decided to give a second glance and our eyes met. She really is the person I thought I saw. She looked down when I was about to say 'Hi!'. She was with a guy. And the guy was close to her. My heart beat twice as fast if not thrice. Adrenaline rushed over my head. I wanted to confront the guy and ask him of his intentions, his name, how they met but she would never look at me to even acknowledge me. I can't believe she would not even look at me after all we've been through. Truth is, she is the only girl I cared for in High School. Everyone else did not matter. She is the only girl I took seriously in High School. She is the only girl I wanted to take to the prom... but she left and I didn't want anyone else... She was my High School Sweetheart. I just can't believe she is with someone now...



Boy! Did I look like an idiot or what!?


Thus, I have the worst night in my life. I wanted to finish off my Kahluah when I got home but I have class tomorrow. I wanted to look for an outlet to ease my pain. I just avoided going to my parents' house because my dad might have unkindly words in store for me. I feel like shit right now... I know I said I'd stop swearing but it is what it is...


She is the first girl I first genuinely cared for. I can't believe she would not even look at me. I talked to her a couple of months ago and we parted in good terms. Now, it's just PLAIN KICK-ME-IN-THE-CROTCH!!!


What makes all of these hard is I have been thnking of the girl that followed her. A girl that I cannot take away from my heart. How I wish I met her later. How I wish I met her when I'm done with all my stuff. I just can't move on. Why did I have to find the girl I wanted to marry for the rest of my life at such a young age? I could have had some fun times with other girls. I could have gotten to know other people. Worse is, I cannot even go out with sure things just because I can't forget about her. I'm not blaming her for anything but come on! This simply isn't the best situation for me or anybody else!

Thus, I have a problem with moving on and looking for other options. I do not know why. It's not like Iwanna get married in my twenties or anything. I actually plan to delay marriage for as long as I can. But why do I have to meet the right girl so early??? Also, why did I have to screw it up??? WHY??? Why can't I have the things that I need at the right time? At first, my parents, friends and the elders are all like: "You'll get over it. That's just infatuation. You'll find other girls..." Nobody took my feelings seriously. Four years later, the very same girl is in my heart.

My feelings towards the girls I have been with gradually became better. At first, I just followed what everone else was doing. It was kinda cool to have a girlfriend. Then, I actually wanted to have one. Then I started to care for a girl in high school and I actually loved a girl in college. Problem is, why did I have to meet and screw my chances with the one I really wanted for the rest of my life??? And why can't I move on and forget about her? There are lots of times when I would plan something with another girl but I would always change my mnd simply because I have not forgotten about her and to be honest with you, my feelings have not changed one bit. I would still do everything for her. Too bad everything else is not the same. The only thing constant is my love for her...

I actually planned to share something economical today. I had a lot of great ideas but my attention really had to be diverted to this relationship thing. I do not understand it! Hypothetically I could not move on from the first firl I ever loved, will I ever be with another girl? Will I be a bachelor? Worst is, will I ever be happy? Lastly, will shebe happy with all of these? Does she even know this problem? Has she moved on with her life? Will I see her with another guy and look like an idiot AGAIN!?!?!?!?

I hope my situation does not create a path dependence. I don't wanna live my life this way! This is just plain TERRIBLE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please give me some time to sort things out! You're always part of my plans! What am I saying?

------------------------------- (33 y/o)----------------------------------------->>
MARRY HER

If you find this unfavorable,

-----------------------------ANYWHERE--------------------------------------->>
ANYTHING
ANYTIME
YOUR TERMS!!!!!!!

Just tell me, you know I'll do everything for you... Because if I get to spend the rest of my life with you, I can't wish for more happiness. I'll give up my dreams. I'll give up my goals. I'll give up everything! BECAUSE ALL THE HAPPINESS THOSE COULD BRING ME IS FAR LESS THAN THE HAPPINESS I GET WHEN I'M WITH YOU... I miss the old days! The times I actually wished I already had a significant fortune and I could support a family. You just ain't no fling...